The Power of Love

I know it seems that I write in here every time I get upset about something. This is the case thus far, but this time is a little different. Christmas is almost here. New Years is right next to that. 2012 was extremely good to me. There were so many changed, all of them positive. I got a better job, lost weight, and answered many lingering questions within myself. I love growing older. I feel like I have more control of my destiny. I am more myself now than ever! One of the most beautiful things about life is the constant self discovery.

I will continue into 2013 with the same attitude of adventure, creativity, and thirst for knowledge. I pray that I will understand and accept what I cannot control. I want to blossom more into a warrior of self expression. I am hell bent on living more than ever before. I will continue on my road to a healthy body and spirit. I will conquer the urge to repress myself.

My biggest goals for 2013 mostly consist of ending the war inside my heart. I struggle everyday with the burdens of over-thought and fear. I want to conquer my fears. They hold me back from my dreams. I am blessed with encouragement all around me. I should open my ears and close my mouth more. I should be more accepting of help.

Now for the nerdy part. The war inside my heart is much like this classic battle with my favourite super hero:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h8TWC2pNiuc

Queen Beryl is a representation of my fears, doubts, and what I think stands in my way. Too long I feel like "she" has bullied me and anchored my confidence into dark, deep, desolate, waters. I'd like to think the power of the Maboroshi no Ginzuishou (Silver Crystal) is my realization of what is actually important. It represents my desire to be myself and the love I should have for myself. I am "Serenity" illuminating all of my potential. 

I want to stand up to someone in my life. I want to be honest and have the relationship I've always wanted. If it doesn't happen that way, at least I will know. I can quit feeling like I'm living some double life. I just hope the power of love can destroy assumptions and narrow mindedness. 

You know it feel so good when you find a song that fits with your situation perfectly. I know it's a little cheesy. It's a song from my childhood. I love it. I always choose a theme song for the new year and this is the one for 2013.  Follow the lyrics if you listen to the song:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JzNLZ37ZTZs

I think it's interesting that the older I get, the more I relate with Sailor Moon. She is someone who is constantly underestimated and has to prove herself. She has no fear in being herself and living live to it's fullest. Even though she has fears she fights for hope and goodness. She loves with her whole heart. I'd like to think that's the way I am too.

When I hear people talking about how annoyed they are with tiny things, my initial reaction is fury. I used to be like that. Every little thing that went wrong used to make me feel like I had a bad life. I want everyone to shut the hell up and put things into prospective like I did. I'm not saying it's wrong to be annoyed when things go wrong. You have the full right to own your feelings. Take a moment to think about the following when little things pile up:

#1. Is it life threatening?
#2. Is it the end of the world?
#3. Tell it to the kids in the hospital dying of cancer.

Now was that so hard? If you take most of your problems and compare it to something that's a real big problem, it makes you want to go out and help with something that matters. Don't dwell on how stupid something small will turn out. Take that energy you were going to use to bitch about small things and turn it into something positive like helping out a child who has cancer. Doing things like that helps keep my feet on the ground. It helps with all of the goals I have for 2013. I feel like everyone should try it. 

I can feel my heart beating...

I've been engaged to Andy for over a year now. I am in no rush. I have no cold feet. I like this planning/outlining phase. I like finalizing on what we want things to look like and reading advice from others. The more excited I grow, the more I have realized some serious reality and fears.

I have been going through some horrendous back pain. It has made it difficult to exercise everyday. Try as I might anyway I can't loose these last ten lbs. I've kept off the initial thirty, so all is not an entire failure. I am scared to death that the day of my wedding I'm going to wake up and not be able to stand up or walk. I cannot describe how bad this pain is. It's enough to cause me to cry. It's like a knife going through my body: sharp and breathtaking.

I also hope people remember that this is the only wedding I'm going to have. This is a special day for ME and ANDY, not ANYONE ELSE! Whoever has a problem or gives me a problem will taste the ever growing potency of my incredible wrath. I don't want to come off as ungrateful or selfish, nor will I not be open to ideas. Ultimately this will be our vision and the telling of our story. I refused to be bullied into changing things I want to please others.

I don't hold much belief in God. I respect the beliefs and choices of others and expect the same from others. I don't need some invisible force with a questionable existence to do anything for me that I can't do myself. I all ready know just how fortunate I am. Andy and I are brutally nontraditional  people.

Now for the biggest weight on my mind and spirit.

I do not get this. I have no father to give me away. I have no father daughter dance. Instead I have a step father who tries to talk me out of making "the biggest mistake of my life". Although I understand and appreciate his concern he will never see the big picture. He is far too jaded, confused, and immature. A long time ago I told him if he want to come watch from a distance and then leave immediately he could. I didn't want him to feel excluded or uncomfortable. He told me he doesn't want to come at all. With his endless 'why ruin a good thing' this and 'you're going to changed just like your mother' that.... I grew exhausted. I don't want him there. I don't care if he's happy for us or not. He will always be alone as he pushes me farther away. For lack of a better phrase: Fuck you Michael. You've hurt my heart so badly. I can't talk to you about anything. You've never even tried to understand anything about me. Go die alone like you deserve. Always thinking only of yourself and forcing your ways on others. 

Part of me feel terrible about it. I do care about him. He has done a lot for me. I would never deny that. My final conclusion: As much as I am eternally grateful for the things he has done for me, metal abusiveness is never okay nor deserved. 

Please

Sometimes I wonder if the others around me want me to be another person. I'm not trying to deliver accusations. I'm sure everyone has felt this way at some point in their lives. I still wonder. Why is it so hard for people to understand the simplest things about each other? I've felt that when people are at their lowest, it's hard to not be resentful. 

I come from a very unlikely source: Sassy southern belle mother, family of athletes, and not a geek in sight. I love my family with all of my heart. I wouldn't change anything about them. Sometimes I feel like I have a difficult time fitting in with them. 

I'm currently in Kansas City, Missouri. This is my birthplace. I try to visit family and friends at least once a year. I always have a great time reminiscing. I am rather obsessed with nostalgia. Sometimes I feel like I don't fit it with some of the people I love here either.

I feel like there are a few who wouldn't change me. I also feel like there are a few who say they wouldn't, but secretly would. I have a desperate desire to share special secrets, but I feel like it would cause a calamity. My whole life I've been half way in the shadows. I can assure you that I don't hold a life/death secret. I am not harming myself in anyway whatsoever. I just know in my mind that I can't act like myself in front of certain people for fear of being horribly misunderstood. It breaks my heart. I would love to be an open book toward the ones I hold dear. 

Some people reading this will know exactly what I am talking about. Others will be extremely concerned/curious. Don't fear for my safety please. I am considered a healthy/well-rounded individual. 

The other reason why I stifle myself is this: I ALWAYS get accused of "overreacting" no matter how I express myself. I like to avoid the exhaustion that follows. No one takes the time to fully listen. I think it's rather pathetic that I have reach to extremes in order for anyone to take me seriously. A part of me want to angrily point our specific hypocrisy. Certain people are too busy dispensing advice and knowledge that they themselves will not follow out of laziness and bitterness. Anyone who responds to that I feel has a guilty conscience. I don't say this to hurt anyone. I want to help people realizes things before they worsen. 

I just want someone to listen to me without judging me. I want someone to try and take interest in what I like. I know I do the same for others. I don't feel like I'm being ungrateful towards the otherwise generosity that has been bestowed upon me. I just want some equality. I want to share my world with other people. These words don't apply to everyone. I feel like the ones who need to hear this will know. I love all of you very much. I don't want to hurt anyone. I'm just so tired of hurting.

NO! YOU LISTEN

  Everyone loves to complain that retail employees are so rude. Would you be in happy mood if:

• Someone threw their items at you, hitting a body part because the line was too long.
• Someone left a used diaper open on a shelf.
• Someone bled all over the ladies bathroom and never told you, finding it dried to the floor at closing.
• Having a customer curse you out because you ID them for alcohol/tobacco
• A customer tells you that you are a "fucking loser" because you ID them for a credit purchase over $100.00
• Someone pays $1,000.00 money order in one dollars bills that smell like weed, alcohol, and filth.
• A forty year old man masturbating in the middle of the store when he thinks no one is looking.
• You could see down an older woman's bra without trying.
• You're called moronic by the same woman ever single day because she can't get her items for free.
• The constant cell phone users who become enraged when you interrupt their call with transaction questions.
• 4 body covered armed robbers point a loaded pistol at your heart demanding money.
• Going through endless adjustments because new management can not handle the simplest task.
• Catching 50 different counterfeit bills.
• Being accused of racism when asking for ID for alcohol, tobacco, and credit card purchases.

Excuses for not donating you the children's hospital:

• They need to donate to me.
• You guys just keep the money, it's a scam
• What have children ever done for me
• Fuck you
• No, but can I have $50.00 worth of snickers bars and $100.00 cash back
• I'm not allowed to

This does not ever begin to cover things that have happened to me with in 3 year period of working at...well let's just say retail store. I don't go out of my way to make customers miserable. That is not what I'm paid for. If I did, I would have been fired ages ago. I wish people would just take a step back and realize what they are doing. I know life isn't fair, but this is just fucking ridiculous. These are not exaggerations. These occurrences are honest and very real, yes even the robbery. Next time you're in a line and you see someone treating an employee with thoughtless actions, unless the employee caused the situation, stand up for us. We can't. I'm being evaluated for anti depressants. 

I try to be good, polite, to turn the other cheek, but SOMEONE NEEDS TO STAND UP AND BE EITHER ACCOUNTABLE OR DEFEND US! In this economy, I can't quit my job. I am tired of having anxiety attacks so serious that I could swallow my tongue and die.

Oh man have I had it.

This is going to be a serious fan girl rant. You have been warned. Also I apologize for any spelling and grammatical errors. I am speaking from my heart.

I am absolutely exhausted over the fact that feminists are concerned over Sailor Moon. While I was checking over added information on wikipedia I ran into this:

"Sailor Moon's character has been singled out as less-than-feminist because her favorite class is home economics and her least favorite is math."

Whatever happened to individualism? It is conspicuous to me that Usagi isn't allowed to be herself. What is wrong with a character that rather be a housewife than a mathematician? If it is a choice upon an individual to pursue that path in life then we have no right to judge them. I am also well aware that Usagi is a fictional character. 

I feel that this judgement on her character is rather an insult to Naoko Takeuchi. It flattens her character's development. I also feel that these certain feminists are also ignoring the other Senshi involved in the story. Not every female is going to latch their affection on the main character. For example the second Senshi introduced is not only excellent with numbers, but has been said to possess the an IQ of three hundred. Ami Mizuno ambition is to become a medical doctor.

As for the costume decisions of the artwork, I can understand the concerns. The skirts are relatively short. It is an issue that does not bother me personally. I think their sexy and imaginative. To each their own. I'm not going to protest over it. If you don't like the artist's choice, no one is forcing you. 

As a very young girl watching Sailor Moon, it never occurred to me that being silly or bad at something was necessarily unfavorable. I can relate to Usagi. I am dreadful at math and clumsy. I love to eat sweets and take naps. I am not the most brilliant person one has ever encountered. If anything Usagi trials of saving the universe has taught me about how important it is to be yourself. It has shown me that with love in your heart one can defeat any evil. When I watched Usagi I saw a girl who nobody expected anything out of. Then I also watched a girl who would surprise everyone with strength, grace, and all of the answers. I would like to think that was mean, because I know how it feels to be constantly underestimated.

I also read this post:

"Sorry, but Sailor Moon is a sad excuse for women wanting to be anything they want to be. Look at that picture! No women of color, all thin frames, and school girl fetishism made particularly for the male gaze. Sailor Moon, might have preached girl empowerment, individuality, liberation, etc. but it most certainly doesn't practice it. This post reeks of nostalgia, as opposed to celebrating women. Sorry, English isn't my first language"

I also read this reply. I feel that it better expresses what I would have said myself:

"I’m going to completely disagree here. I get what you’re saying, but I think it’s a very stereotypical argument that attacks the appearance of the characters rather than the actual content of the show. Your generalizations make me think you haven’t watched the show before. (I have read the entire 18-book series and watched the majority of the 200 episodes, thankyouverymuch.)

Sailormoon was not made for the “male gaze”; it was published in a young girls’ magazine. Did old men jack off to it? DUHH. But the largest readership and target audience was young school girls.

Additionally, it’s SO standard to say that thin = objectification of women. Of course their body types are unrealistic—but the show doesn’t operate on realism, it operates on fantasy. Of the multitude of girls I personally knew who watched the show, of all different shapes and sizes, the appearance of the characters had the least to do with why they watched the show.

For my friends and I, who were unpopular, picked on for being nerdy, and kind of on the social fringe in school, it was reassuring to us to watch something that says it’s okay to be any of those things. We genuinely did feel empowered by it. So, do I feel nostalgic aboutSailormoon? Yeah, absolutely. But it really was more than that. If it influences a multitude of young girls into believing they can be strong women regardless of what other people think, who cares if all of the characters are Japanese (which I think you may have assumed they were all white), thin-built, and pretty?"

I'm not trying to make anyone like the things I like. I just want people to look before they leap. I know I can be mean about Twilight fans. I hate Twilight with intense passion, but I would never intentionally crush the spirit of those who love it. Everyone is entitled to those little things that make one happy. As I would do my best not to trespass on others, I demand the same. 

I leave you all with this:

References:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sailor_Moon_(character)

http://ombreschinoises.tumblr.com/post/19069443660/sorry-but-sailor-moon-is-a-sad-excuse-for-women

http://fuckyeahprettysoldier.tumblr.com/

Food glorious food!

I had no idea these existed util today. They rocked my world. I'm a sucker for anything coconut! I found them at the Race Trac near my house.

I also love coconut m&ms, almond joys, and mounds!

I have also been VERY curious about these!

ICE CREAM! I'm kind of a foodie. I'm amazed I've lost 23 lbs this year! I'm on a 80/20 diet. 80% healthy 20% indulgence! I don't drink soda anymore. I make my portions small. I don't deprive myself of things I want. I keep what I want within reason. I work out every other day. I get at least 6 to 8 hours of sleep every night. I do not cut out any dairy. I'm feeling much healthier. Here is something else that made my mouth happy:

These have so much potential with cheese and hummus! This has been one tasty blog! I love to bake and try new things. I also love spicy food! Watch out for more food entries! If you want to share treats that you find,  please do!

It's real love.

It's about eleven thirty five p.m. where I am, approximately 25 minutes until my five year anniversary with Andy. We aren't even married yet. It can only get better! I feel like I'm waiting on Christmas morning to get here! We have planned to go to the arcade and go shopping all day tomorrow! Hopefully I'll take some fun pictures of us! Here's a video of our song.

Andy, I love you with all of my heart. You are my best friend. No matter how old we get, I know I'll always feel this way

Little Fact #1

     I was able to join pinterest today. Oh boy! Just what I needed! Another place to be addicted to. Oh second thought, I'm not that terrible addicted to facebook. If it were ever to shut down one day I would be frustrated! That's how I keep up with all of my out of townies.

     It's funny to think I actually had a good day at work. I would say there were no asshole customers, but that would not be completely true. I guess you could say there were no serious disasters. About seven months ago, I was robbed at gunpoint at my place of employment. I don't wish that experience on anyone. Ever since then I have had one hell of a time adjusting to everyday things. I get intimidated easily. About 2 weeks after the robbery a customer came into the store. He put his hand in his pocket and locked me in a dead stare. He was acting like he was about to pull something out. My blood ran cold and my face was colorless. He pulled his hand out and started laughing at me. Never in my whole life had I ever wanted to physically destroy a human being that badly. I try to forget. I try to forgive. I try to move on. All of this anger and sadness will not leave me. The company I work for paid for four sessions of therapy. I appreciate the help, but four is not enough.

My friend came over. I baked the s'more cookies. Epic deliciousness.

     Sorry if the subjects in my posts are scattered. I write in a sort of stream of consciousness. I'm going to leave an old you tube video at the end of this post. I can't ever watch myself sing on video. I feel like an ass.

Well look at that! #1

         I was driving my fiancé to work when the follow words flew right out of my mouth: "Honey bun, I've been thinking about making my own blog and youtube account. What do you think?" Andy in his oh so encouraging nature replied "Sure! What kind of stuff do you think you'll put on it?" I must admit, that's one hell of a question. This is what I've come up with so far.

         Hello, I am Roslyn, but everyone calls me Roz. I work at a dead end cashier job. At the moment I am twenty six years old. I'm engaged to my best friend. I live in a rundown town in the southern United States of America. I'm originally from Kansas City, but not the state that Dorothy lived in. I always miss it there and I try to visit once a year.
       
        Now let's break it down Sailor Moon profile style :)

Name: Roslyn
Birthday: November 1
Astrological sign: Scorpio
Favorite color: Purple
Hobbies: Makeup, Baking, Reading, Games, and Internet
Favorite food: Asian Cuisine
Least favorite food: Cauliflower and Beans
Favorite subjects: Literature and History
Worst subject: Math
Has trouble with: Anxiety and Stubbornness
Strong points: Work Ethic and Relentlessness
Dream: to be a voice actress and make up artist.
Back up plan: Radiologist
Favorite gemstone: Topaz


I'm not sure why I want to make a blog. I thought it might be fun. I'd like to think I have some interesting things to offer out there in the vast internet land. Today I'm going to post some s'more cookies I'm going to bake. I have a friend coming over and I'm trying to cheer him up. He's been very depressed while trying to find a job. This is the awesome recipe that I plan on using: http://www.instructables.com/id/Delicious-Smore-Cookies/