I can feel my heart beating...

I've been engaged to Andy for over a year now. I am in no rush. I have no cold feet. I like this planning/outlining phase. I like finalizing on what we want things to look like and reading advice from others. The more excited I grow, the more I have realized some serious reality and fears.

I have been going through some horrendous back pain. It has made it difficult to exercise everyday. Try as I might anyway I can't loose these last ten lbs. I've kept off the initial thirty, so all is not an entire failure. I am scared to death that the day of my wedding I'm going to wake up and not be able to stand up or walk. I cannot describe how bad this pain is. It's enough to cause me to cry. It's like a knife going through my body: sharp and breathtaking.

I also hope people remember that this is the only wedding I'm going to have. This is a special day for ME and ANDY, not ANYONE ELSE! Whoever has a problem or gives me a problem will taste the ever growing potency of my incredible wrath. I don't want to come off as ungrateful or selfish, nor will I not be open to ideas. Ultimately this will be our vision and the telling of our story. I refused to be bullied into changing things I want to please others.

I don't hold much belief in God. I respect the beliefs and choices of others and expect the same from others. I don't need some invisible force with a questionable existence to do anything for me that I can't do myself. I all ready know just how fortunate I am. Andy and I are brutally nontraditional  people.

Now for the biggest weight on my mind and spirit.

I do not get this. I have no father to give me away. I have no father daughter dance. Instead I have a step father who tries to talk me out of making "the biggest mistake of my life". Although I understand and appreciate his concern he will never see the big picture. He is far too jaded, confused, and immature. A long time ago I told him if he want to come watch from a distance and then leave immediately he could. I didn't want him to feel excluded or uncomfortable. He told me he doesn't want to come at all. With his endless 'why ruin a good thing' this and 'you're going to changed just like your mother' that.... I grew exhausted. I don't want him there. I don't care if he's happy for us or not. He will always be alone as he pushes me farther away. For lack of a better phrase: Fuck you Michael. You've hurt my heart so badly. I can't talk to you about anything. You've never even tried to understand anything about me. Go die alone like you deserve. Always thinking only of yourself and forcing your ways on others. 

Part of me feel terrible about it. I do care about him. He has done a lot for me. I would never deny that. My final conclusion: As much as I am eternally grateful for the things he has done for me, metal abusiveness is never okay nor deserved.