Please

Sometimes I wonder if the others around me want me to be another person. I'm not trying to deliver accusations. I'm sure everyone has felt this way at some point in their lives. I still wonder. Why is it so hard for people to understand the simplest things about each other? I've felt that when people are at their lowest, it's hard to not be resentful. 

I come from a very unlikely source: Sassy southern belle mother, family of athletes, and not a geek in sight. I love my family with all of my heart. I wouldn't change anything about them. Sometimes I feel like I have a difficult time fitting in with them. 

I'm currently in Kansas City, Missouri. This is my birthplace. I try to visit family and friends at least once a year. I always have a great time reminiscing. I am rather obsessed with nostalgia. Sometimes I feel like I don't fit it with some of the people I love here either.

I feel like there are a few who wouldn't change me. I also feel like there are a few who say they wouldn't, but secretly would. I have a desperate desire to share special secrets, but I feel like it would cause a calamity. My whole life I've been half way in the shadows. I can assure you that I don't hold a life/death secret. I am not harming myself in anyway whatsoever. I just know in my mind that I can't act like myself in front of certain people for fear of being horribly misunderstood. It breaks my heart. I would love to be an open book toward the ones I hold dear. 

Some people reading this will know exactly what I am talking about. Others will be extremely concerned/curious. Don't fear for my safety please. I am considered a healthy/well-rounded individual. 

The other reason why I stifle myself is this: I ALWAYS get accused of "overreacting" no matter how I express myself. I like to avoid the exhaustion that follows. No one takes the time to fully listen. I think it's rather pathetic that I have reach to extremes in order for anyone to take me seriously. A part of me want to angrily point our specific hypocrisy. Certain people are too busy dispensing advice and knowledge that they themselves will not follow out of laziness and bitterness. Anyone who responds to that I feel has a guilty conscience. I don't say this to hurt anyone. I want to help people realizes things before they worsen. 

I just want someone to listen to me without judging me. I want someone to try and take interest in what I like. I know I do the same for others. I don't feel like I'm being ungrateful towards the otherwise generosity that has been bestowed upon me. I just want some equality. I want to share my world with other people. These words don't apply to everyone. I feel like the ones who need to hear this will know. I love all of you very much. I don't want to hurt anyone. I'm just so tired of hurting.

NO! YOU LISTEN

  Everyone loves to complain that retail employees are so rude. Would you be in happy mood if:

• Someone threw their items at you, hitting a body part because the line was too long.
• Someone left a used diaper open on a shelf.
• Someone bled all over the ladies bathroom and never told you, finding it dried to the floor at closing.
• Having a customer curse you out because you ID them for alcohol/tobacco
• A customer tells you that you are a "fucking loser" because you ID them for a credit purchase over $100.00
• Someone pays $1,000.00 money order in one dollars bills that smell like weed, alcohol, and filth.
• A forty year old man masturbating in the middle of the store when he thinks no one is looking.
• You could see down an older woman's bra without trying.
• You're called moronic by the same woman ever single day because she can't get her items for free.
• The constant cell phone users who become enraged when you interrupt their call with transaction questions.
• 4 body covered armed robbers point a loaded pistol at your heart demanding money.
• Going through endless adjustments because new management can not handle the simplest task.
• Catching 50 different counterfeit bills.
• Being accused of racism when asking for ID for alcohol, tobacco, and credit card purchases.

Excuses for not donating you the children's hospital:

• They need to donate to me.
• You guys just keep the money, it's a scam
• What have children ever done for me
• Fuck you
• No, but can I have $50.00 worth of snickers bars and $100.00 cash back
• I'm not allowed to

This does not ever begin to cover things that have happened to me with in 3 year period of working at...well let's just say retail store. I don't go out of my way to make customers miserable. That is not what I'm paid for. If I did, I would have been fired ages ago. I wish people would just take a step back and realize what they are doing. I know life isn't fair, but this is just fucking ridiculous. These are not exaggerations. These occurrences are honest and very real, yes even the robbery. Next time you're in a line and you see someone treating an employee with thoughtless actions, unless the employee caused the situation, stand up for us. We can't. I'm being evaluated for anti depressants. 

I try to be good, polite, to turn the other cheek, but SOMEONE NEEDS TO STAND UP AND BE EITHER ACCOUNTABLE OR DEFEND US! In this economy, I can't quit my job. I am tired of having anxiety attacks so serious that I could swallow my tongue and die.