Please

Sometimes I wonder if the others around me want me to be another person. I'm not trying to deliver accusations. I'm sure everyone has felt this way at some point in their lives. I still wonder. Why is it so hard for people to understand the simplest things about each other? I've felt that when people are at their lowest, it's hard to not be resentful. 

I come from a very unlikely source: Sassy southern belle mother, family of athletes, and not a geek in sight. I love my family with all of my heart. I wouldn't change anything about them. Sometimes I feel like I have a difficult time fitting in with them. 

I'm currently in Kansas City, Missouri. This is my birthplace. I try to visit family and friends at least once a year. I always have a great time reminiscing. I am rather obsessed with nostalgia. Sometimes I feel like I don't fit it with some of the people I love here either.

I feel like there are a few who wouldn't change me. I also feel like there are a few who say they wouldn't, but secretly would. I have a desperate desire to share special secrets, but I feel like it would cause a calamity. My whole life I've been half way in the shadows. I can assure you that I don't hold a life/death secret. I am not harming myself in anyway whatsoever. I just know in my mind that I can't act like myself in front of certain people for fear of being horribly misunderstood. It breaks my heart. I would love to be an open book toward the ones I hold dear. 

Some people reading this will know exactly what I am talking about. Others will be extremely concerned/curious. Don't fear for my safety please. I am considered a healthy/well-rounded individual. 

The other reason why I stifle myself is this: I ALWAYS get accused of "overreacting" no matter how I express myself. I like to avoid the exhaustion that follows. No one takes the time to fully listen. I think it's rather pathetic that I have reach to extremes in order for anyone to take me seriously. A part of me want to angrily point our specific hypocrisy. Certain people are too busy dispensing advice and knowledge that they themselves will not follow out of laziness and bitterness. Anyone who responds to that I feel has a guilty conscience. I don't say this to hurt anyone. I want to help people realizes things before they worsen. 

I just want someone to listen to me without judging me. I want someone to try and take interest in what I like. I know I do the same for others. I don't feel like I'm being ungrateful towards the otherwise generosity that has been bestowed upon me. I just want some equality. I want to share my world with other people. These words don't apply to everyone. I feel like the ones who need to hear this will know. I love all of you very much. I don't want to hurt anyone. I'm just so tired of hurting.